How To Cope With Caregiver Guilt

November 17, 2017 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

Life is what we make of it, right? This is what we are told. That if we push through time with the right amount of vigor, we can achieve our dreams with a full heart and a happy ending. But rarely do these tales mention entrapment via circumstance. Seldom do they reflect that choice is usually conditional.

White Pumpkin Recipe 1: Curry pumpkin soup with barley, fresh tomatoes, scallions, cilantro and coconut milk.

As caregivers we are often accustomed to squelched hope and rarely do these stolen dreams leave us clues for reparations. However, a passage through loss, be it people or dreams, is never short on perspective. Hindsight hurts for all the things we didn’t see before. The pain doesn’t stem from whom or what is now gone; it’s a pain from recognizing what we had, and the failure then, to act. It’s all the missed opportunities we can’t get back, and learning in the now, how to sit with forever. These are the seeds of our guilt and no one else can help us sow them.

White Pumpkin Recipe 2: Pumpkin paratha with cumin seeds and cilantro.

Caregiver guilt is akin to a wet blanket and industry insiders are quick to call for its disposal. It’s heavy, burdening one’s mental health, and hardly the stuff of optimism that dominates the world of self-care. But in truth that blanket, wet as it may be, is constructed of fibers, entwined with layers that represent so much more than what most outsiders perceive. It’s a compass that governs our future selves. It’s not to be cast off, but rather something to heed, as it provides a rare peek at our unmasked emotion. It’s the truest reflection of the stranger we keep inside.

“Sometimes the only thing that’s different is our perception of what ”is”. And sometimes the only way to see that is to listen...”

White Pumpkin Recipe 3: Warm white pumpkin salad with barley, kale, cilantro, pepitas, and lime.

Guilt doesn’t have to imply flawed. It can be embraced for growth even when it doesn’t fit well with the mainstream social construct. We can’t be afraid to feel guilt’s weights. We’ve been carrying it around long enough for it to become us. It's in our fiber. And to quote the song from this previous post: "it's in my honey, it's in my milk". Why not give it pause and listen to what it’s saying. There is more to it than just the burden of weight. It has a message and needs some breathing room to develop it's voice.

Just breathe…

Things might begin to look different, even sound different, even when circumstance remains the same.

Tips For Creating A Caregiver Schedule

October 29, 2017 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

Here's the pattern. I wake-up optimistic and end the day collapsed in defeat. I wake-up every morning like your neighbor's annoying dog, brimming with pep and vim, only to feel that enthusiasm fade into disappointment. I know, I know... It's annoying to be a morning person but I love the idea of a fresh start and relish the chance to begin again. Who doesn't love a do-over?

Mornings are my romance. They embrace that do-over love story but unfortunately, somewhere around noon I start picking fights with the day. I develop a restlessness and it starts encroaching on my mood, echoing reminders that today is just like yesterday and it will likely end in rout. True to form, it often does. Luckily, I've never been good at grudges so come morning, that bad attitude is nothing but a bad dream, until noon, and then here we go again... It's cyclical. I know this, and yet it's been impossible to break.

We all have habits we're not proud of but habits themselves are telling of something more deeply seeded in our character. They are these little comfort zones that will never change without effort. Well, good news! For the past month I can honestly say I have been putting in the effort and I feel a shift. The failures are still abundant but the cycle has been disrupted. There is a freshness that's emerging for the first time in years.

Caregiving (and I imagine parenting) is so all consuming that its immersive nature leaves little room for planning and perspective. Yet, in order to maintain your own sense of identity, it's absolutely necessary to find an approach that works for you. There are too many "experts" ready to thrust their opinions and suggestions your way but for advice to feel useful it has to resonate to stick. Our situations are often much too personal for peripheral advice to feel helpful. If anything, it complicates things. It's one more voice in your head suggesting shoulds and shouldn'ts. It ends up as more noise and ultimately little gets accomplished.

Boom! Next thing you know it's two years later and your facing those same demons. That was me until about a month or so ago when I came-up with a plan. Not just any plan. My own freakin' plan! My own, nonsensical sense-making plan to provide a strategy for getting my head above water and my feet out of the mud cause I can't take one more day of slogging through the fact that this role... this unforgiving caregiving job, is what's become of my life!

So here is what I did. I spent several weeks prior to plan implementation, just coming up with the pieces. I took into account the types of tasks necessary for this role as well as personal things I wanted to include but were being neglected. I compartmentalized them all within the standard Monday- Friday work week with regard to weekends and themed each day. Instead of having one massive to-do list, I actually have seven. I know that sounds crazy but stay with me. It's not really seven lists but a single list that I add to and rotate through the week prioritized by theme. These are the themes:

Monday- Business/Administrative Tasks

This is the mail, the bills, paperwork, phone calls, etc... All the stuff that's keeping the household afloat. It's the kind of stuff made of modern nightmares. Taking care of business on behalf of another person is an administrative circus. It's time consuming and it's important and it's the last thing I ever want to be doing so I put it right up front so I can get it out of the way and put the dread to bed for the week. I also deal with my own such affairs on this day too. I think of it as a household business day but only for that day. This kind of stuff will bleed over if you let it so don't! Just do it on Mondays and move on.

Tuesday- Education/Research/Learning Tasks

On Tuesday's we go to the library and I check-out books and movies for my dad. These are critical to the success of the other days of the week as they act as excellent pacifiers when I'm preoccupied with other things. Additionally, I designate research type stuff on this day. Things like finding additional senior resources or Youtubing how to fix the dryer, or scowering Pintrest for a new recipe... Those tasks I prioritize on this day because they require some investigating at their essence they're educational. I also make a point of reading the paper on Tuesdays as a way to better understand what is happening in the outside world. Clueing into to what's going on "out there" helps with decision making on the home front. Everything from health care, to the real estate market, to the new fiduciary rules, and the pending tax reform all provide intel on how the "system" works. This is important because the system cannot support the needs that exist in elderly care and it's falling on the shoulders of caregivers and crippling them in the process. As a caregiver, I need to know what's coming. I'm already at the point of adrenal fatigue so the last thing I need is another surprise. It's also increasingly important to understand the severity of this problem to assess your personal strengths and weaknesses. There are many layers to this stuff and I feel you really need to know yourself so you know when to ask for help.

My tip here is to play to your strengths and pay for your weaknesses.

Wednesday- Core Activities

It's the center of week so why shouldn't it represent the center of my life? It's all the things I love doing but sacrifice for the sake of excuses. So now, on Wednesdays, all the things I've wanted to do but never seem to prioritize have an official spot in the calendar, smack dab in the middle of everything, right where they belong. For me this consists of spoon carving, bread making, knife sharpening, and other crafty endeavors that reflect my passions and enable me to retain my sense of identity. Caregiving is all consuming and if you don't drive a wedge into it for the sake of the things you love, you will lose yourself. The caregiving world is a vacuum and you must protect what's important.

Thursday- Community/Outreach

Every Thursday I help my dad make a phone call to someone he knows. He can hardly speak in full sentences but he lights up at the sound of a familiar voice which is enough to tell me this activity is a must. We also try and get out of the house. We run small errands. We go to the bank or the hardware store or if the suns not blazing hot, we might stop by a park. This is a chance for us to be out and engaging in the public sphere. It's a day of outside stimulus. It's typically no longer than an hour or two but upon returning he's often tired and takes a nap. I then set about working on other such "community" matters like initiating emails, writing thank you letters, networking/marketing type stuff... It's really nothing too spectacular. I think what gives it meaning is that it's proactive outreach rather than just responding to things. It's also a pretty decent mix of my dad's world and mine and it's actually kinda fun to think about community in this intentional way.

Friday- Clean-out/Downsize

The time will come where I'll one day have to sell our house and the surplus of belongings will have to be dealt with. I can say I have truly turned this place around but still, there is a ton stuff. I've moved enough times prior to living here to know packing-up means you typically can't take everything. So, on Fridays, I try to focus on collecting things to donate, list on Ebay or Offer-up, or just straight-up purge depending. This in truth is time consuming. Taking photos and creating ads for stuff begs to wonder what your time is really worth and I think this question can only be answered by those in the trenches. For me personally, this is a solo mission. If I think too much on what I'm physically doing, I become angry and frustrated that I've succumbed to hawking goods that aren't even my mine! It feels like a burden. But, a little bit one day a week feels manageable and with time, you'll notice improvements.

Saturday- FREE DAY

There is no theme for this day. You can use it however you want. If you didn't manage to tackle something from your list earlier in the week, you can do it on this day, or you can make plans with a friend, or whatever you feel like doing. I don't hold myself to anything on this day. I leave it to desire...

Sunday- Prep Day!

This is for whatever needs to happen to prepare for the coming week. It typically includes getting groceries, cleaning common areas, doing laundry, reviewing the above schedule, and making a big family meal that will provide a day or two of leftovers. It's mostly chores but the kind of stuff that feels like we are off to a strong start. And it's important to feel that! Caregiving often feels defeating so having alignment with positive momentum is important.

Then repeat...

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

— Maria Robinson

As for implementing this schedule I list things forward. What I mean is that as new tasks pop into mind, I list them on the most applicable day for the following week. For example, if I need to pick-up a new prescription for my dad or have the tires rotated on the car, I schedule those things on the next available Thursday because in my mind, those tasks reflect community engagements. If I want to try a new recipe or sew some flour sacks, I note it as a Wednesday task where I leave room for the pursuit of craft.

This themed schedule approach is not a 100% cure-all but it has been a significant game changer for feeling more control when managing responsibilities. It has worked so well I've even adopted a similar approach for exercise and self-care which I can tell you about some other time if anyone is interested but for now this will have to do. And I hope it's a concept that might work for others feeling overwhelmed. The good news is that it's flexible. You can theme the days in a way that works for you and construct a better sense of fluidity when it comes to "how" you are going to get all the things done.

Good luck and let me know how it goes if you try something like this. Also, please, please, please let me know of any methods or tips that have helped you structure your caregiving time. The "how" of it all still feels impossible on some days so any suggestions are much appreciated!

Grieving The Loss Of A Partner

October 07, 2017 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

For those of you that have lost a partner...

Not just any partner. The partner. The one that you can't let go of and in many ways you never will. Cause why would you? One is one and one only. Don't let go. Move along but never let go. Such tragedies represent life's finest achievements. You won at love...

Hold tight!

Recipes For Life

September 15, 2017 by Ashley Look in Recipes

It's exhausting to carry a heavy heart and never put it down. You start to wonder what it holds, examining which parts are disposable and unnecessary or even replaceable. Everything is becoming murky. Everything feels like a mix of tragedy and destruction in the wake of natural disasters, nuclear threats, terrorism, and politics. Its never felt like a more important time to rise to the occasion and stand up for what you believe. But what do you believe?

We are all hurting. Circumstances aside, I think it's safe to say there is a collective hurt but now what?! I've been stewing in my own misfortune long enough to realize there is no rescue committee for your life and if you want to feel better you have to do better. There is no recipe or instruction book on how to pick-up the pieces. You just start picking them up. Put things together, create piles, salvage what you can and move on. There is no greater leader right now than you and there is no better time than now. Ready?

PS- This is a green pea curry soup with house croutons and chives, topped with a drizzle of garam masala brown butter. You don't need a recipe, just initiative. ;)

Cinnamon Rolls

July 07, 2017 by Ashley Look in Recipes, Caregiving

These cinnamon rolls don't exactly represent my dietary belief in "how to feed a senior" but you know... Life is for living! Items like these gooey cinnamon rolls feed happiness and I think that's just as important as nutrition when it comes to living a good life. We need to indulge more in simple pleasures. That's been a real thing for me lately. Simple pleasures... I keep an eye out, trying to take note of when I happen upon one and I'm often surprised at their ubiquity. Sometimes observing one turns into a slew many and I feel a wave of gratitude for this "time" and that doesn't quite fit the stereotype of the caregiver demise.

Caregiving can feel much like purgatory but I'm often taken aback at the moments I catch myself quite content with my baking, gardening, and crafting. I'm frequently bitter at all the moments this experience has stolen from me but its been long enough now that I've come to accept the terms. There's no going back to the days of what was. There's only forward. And in this march, I've grown deeper into my hobbies. This journey is cultivating skills that only come with time and for that I am grateful.

Ingredients

For the rolls:

3 cups flour + more for kneeding
1 tbsp sugar
1/4 tsp salt
2 tsp active dry yeast
1 1/2 cups warm water

The filling:

1/2 stick of melted butter
3/4 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp of cinnamon (or even more to taste preference)

The frosting:

1/2 cup of softened cream cheese
2 tbsp softened butter
1/8 cup of powdered sugar (or more or less per taste)
1 tsp of vanilla extract

Directions

Combine all the ingredients for the rolls into a large bowl and mix to combine. Add a dusting of extra flour as necessary to absorb moisture and work into a manageble dough ball.
Turn dough ball out onto a floured surface and kneed for about 10 minutes adding flour as necessary to keep the dough from sticking.
After the dough is well combined and you are done kneeding, lightly oil a large bowl and place the dough in it and give it a swirl so the dough has been lightly oiled. This will keep it from sticking to the bowl later.
Cover the bowl and let rise for about 1 hour or until it's doubled in size.
While the dough rises prep the frosting.
Place all the frosting ingredients in a bowl and combine with a mixer till all ingredients are well incorporated (be careful not to over mix).
In another small bowl combine the brown sugar and cinnamon for the filling and set aside.
When the dough has doubled in size, dump it out onto a floured surface.
Roll it out into a rectangular shape roughly 1/2 inch thick.
Drizzle the melted butter on top and brush it to cover the top leaving an inch on all sides.
Sprinkle the brown sugar/cinnamon mixture evenly over the buttered area.
Starting with a long side, roll the dough up into a long dough snake (Dough snake? Is that a thing?).
Cut the dough into 2 inch pieces, discarding the two end pieces that lack the filling.
Place the rolls cut-sides up into a buttered pan, nestling them next to eachother but leaving room for them to rise more.
Cover and let rest for about 30 minutes
Meanwhile begin preheating the oven to 375 F degree.
After 30 minutes and the rolls have swollen in size, place in the oven and bake for 30-35ish minutes until the tops turn golden brown and the inside tempurature reaches 160 degrees F.
After baking scoop spoonfuls of the frosting on top while the rolls are hot.
Wait a few minutes and let the frosting melt a little then spread it around the tops in sheer decadence.
Next, give most of these away so you don't die from a binge eating bender... ;)

A Twig's Life

May 06, 2017 by Ashley Look in Carving

I have a pretty big stick pile.

Leaf litter is slowly starting to accumulate around the house because I have "ideas". I have lots of ideas... Like any good hoarder, I see potential in scraps and find myself defending their storage. As long as I do something with them, then they amount to more than trash matter, right? Or that's what I tell myself. The truth is, I have a vision and that vision is generously being fostered by the fine folks at Knoll Farm where I am proud to announce I've been awarded a Better Selves Fellowship spot this August! I am beyond excited!!!!!

My fingers are crossed that I make it to this Vermont refuge. You never know the challenges when it comes to dementia caregiving, and deciding now that I will attend, will ultimately be determined in the hours, maybe even in the minutes before my departure. But for fun, lets just go with it and assume I am going. I am going!!!

The fellowship is a nurtured self study of sorts. Everyone attending will be on their own journey yet together, as a community, we will help each other achieve our goals. My goal will be spoon related but more specifically I want to focus on carving. And I don't just mean technique, although, I do hope to acquire new skills. I want dive deeper into the other aspects of carving like knife care and sharpening but also the spiritual side. I want to explore the intention, the meditation...

“There is something healing in the process of making a tool with your own hands.”

I've long thought carving was meditative. There is something healing in the process of making a tool with your own hands. It's a placeholder for empowerment, slowly revealing that applied effort produces results and that ultimately, you can in fact do whatever you set your mind to. It's so easy to surrender to hopelessness but the act of carving always provides a renewed perspective. With each shaving you are reminded that you're closer than you think, a small echo in your head, akin to a mantra, tells you "keep going".

As the shape begins to reveal itself, so do all the metaphors. The "handle" usually appears first. It's the comfort zone in skill development but then you get to the "neck" and the "bowl". As with any neck, it's fragile. You must maneuver delicately or risk breaking it, and I'm reminded of the similarities between these moments and life. You go on thinking you have a "handle" on things only to realize at some point, your burdens are nearing a breaking point. It (or you) might snap under the stress without care. It's a reminder to nurture sensitive areas, a case not to neglect self-care... Then you get to the "bowl". Perhaps you jump around while carving the spoon but I find the bowl to be one of that last areas of attack. My students often avoid it till the end. There is a different technique involved and it requires a different knife but non-the-less it's a critical component to making a spoon a spoon. It's actually the single most identifiable trait of the spoon yet on the carver's journey, it's often left to the end.

It's always an interesting pause at this point. Questions arise as to what things we are avoiding in life? What single task, if just accomplished, would make a considerable impact in how our days are lived? What techniques or tools are missing so you can move beyond this block? Wait. Are we talking mental block or block of wood? It's hard to keep up with the narratives...

I wish I could explain better the thoughts I have on this whole topic. It's hard to write about carving and a general summery feels impossible. I have so much to say but can't seem to organized the words for a reader and partly I think the words escape me because so much feeling is at play. So much is left unsaid here and it's a huge part of why I will do whatever it takes to get to the Knoll Farm refuge and participate in the Better Selves Fellowship. I know something there is waiting for me. The mantra keeps telling me "just come"...

Dark House

April 11, 2017 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

I can only speak for myself when I say that the desire to produce anything personal, at this point stems from the utter frustration of maintaining a life that prioritizes other people's priorities. Nothing feels like it's for myself. I spend my days picking-up the crumbs of a life in regression and hope it amounts to something meaningful. I'm not sure that even makes sense but you know what? NOTHING MAKES SENSE!

Can you feel my rage?! I am angry!!! I am angry that every single day I spend an absorbent amount of time cleaning-up after my dad, understanding his insurance, watching his "shows", paying his bills, and running his errands. These things are not for me! Just like your office job is likely not for you. But the grudge here is that you get to go home after your crappy day to a house that you keep for you, upholding your lifestyle, consuming your preference in media, enjoying your version of downtime... Well, there is no down time here. Not in the way that bodes well for sanity. The stress fractures are everywhere and the cracks are slowly giving way...

Survivorship

April 09, 2017 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

It's been two years now...

en·dur·ance

inˈd(y)o͝orəns,enˈd(y)o͝orəns/

noun

the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way. "she was close to the limit of her endurance" synonyms: toleration, tolerance, sufferance, forbearance, patience, acceptance, resignation, stoicism

adjective

denoting or relating to a race or other sporting event that takes place over a long distance or otherwise demands great physical stamina. "the annual 24-hour endurance race"

You Are A Survivor

The bits of you that are broken, the bits of you that are damaged, do not see them that way.
Instead see them as slowly being filled with beautiful experiences and truths you have learned from the damage, the equivalent of lacquered gold.
I want you to remember you are not a broken thing. Instead, you are a human full of incredible and wonderful experience, made of the same things swords and diamonds are made of.
You are a survivor, my darling, and I salute you for everything you have been through, and for making the universe so proud, so very proud of what you have become.
~ Nakita Gill

Everything's Gonna Be Ok

March 19, 2017 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

Sometimes there's just no words...

Let's Build A Dream

January 03, 2017 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

Complete this sentence: "When I grow old I...".

It's common to hear "When I grow-up I..." but when was the last time you heard someone talk about their desires for old age. When was the last time you looked far enough into the future so you could see past retirement. I want to know about that version of you. More importantly I want to know more about that version of myself. So, instead of some goals for 2017 I'm setting them for 2047. Let's tack on 30 years and make a daydream for that person.

When I grow old I'll have long white hair like my mom did. I will live in a rural, small cabin with a small footprint with my love who looks as handsome as the day we met even with the wrinkles. I will be a master gardener and a bee keeper. I will be able to get up off the ground without help and still split my own wood for the oven. The house will smell of fresh bread and the hours will pass with hobbies and craft that reflect a skill that can only be acquired with practice and time. I will have learned patience. I'll be both flexible and strong for my age. I won't be on any medications and I will cook for my friends. I'll take outdoor showers, make up my own sacred rituals, and connect more to the earth than ever before as it will await to receive me in rest.

Cheers!

Clementine + Walnut Tea Cake With Honey

December 06, 2016 by Ashley Look in Recipes

Just this...

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
2 tsp clementine zest
1/3 cup sugar
1/2 cup milk
1/8 cup heavy cream
3 round slices of clementine
1/8 cup juice from clementine
1 egg
1 tbsp olive oil
1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Grease a bread pan and lay your clementine rings in the bottom
Take two bowls and in one add all the wet ingredients and in the other add the dry. Mix both sepretly then combine.
Carefully pour the batter into the bread pan (so as not to shift the rings) and bake for roughly 50 minutes until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.
When finished baking, carefully remove the bread and cool on a cooling rack.
Once cooled you can slice the dome off the "top" and invert the loaf so it rests easily with the celementine rings on full display.

Rainbow Beet Tartine

September 26, 2016 by Ashley Look in Recipes

I am not sure why but lately, all I want is a lush veggie sandwich. This is rare. I'm not much into sandwiches. Unless of-course it's a breakfast version, in which case, I want them all!

My sandwich aversion comes from a combination of generic fillers and bad bread. They tend to be boring and I want to be dazzled by a sandwich! I want it to feel glamorously indulgent with fun ingredients that go above the call of Subway. Is this too much to ask?!! And since my generation is becoming the "sandwich generation," a worthy sandwich is a must! According to google, here is the definition:

Sand·wich gen·er·a·tion

noun

a generation of people, typically in their thirties or forties, responsible for bringing up their own children and for the care of their aging parents.

Since I personally don't have children I am going to keep this sandy open-faced but you do what you have to do to make it right for you! Get yourself some bread and start building a good lunch. Surely, you're gonna need it to get through the next few years.

Tartines with the crust cut off for my old man.

Ingredients

•1 slice of artisan bread
•4 beets, a combination of 2 gold and 2 red
•1/4 cup loosely packed watercress
•1 tsp softened butter
•1/4 cup ricotta cheese
•2 tbsp of heavy whipping cream
•1/8 cup toasted walnuts, chopped
•1 tsp honey
•1/4 tsp fresh thyme
•pinch of smoked sea salt (or any salt)

Directions

Preheat the oved to 425 degrees F.
Remove any greens and clean the beets. Place in a baking dish and cover with foil.
Roast beets for 35-40 minutes tossing them occasionally in the pan. (It's this mixing of the juices that bring out the rainbow coloring.)
Prick the beets to test for doneness. Let cool completely then peel to remove the skins.
While the beets cool, whip the ricotta and heaving whipping cream with a hand mixer until stiff peaks form. store in trhe fridge till ready to use.
Butter the bread and griddle both sides in a skillet.
Spread a small dab of the riccota mix on the bread and then lay down the watercress. (A small amount will help keep the greens in place.)
Next you can really add that ricotta. I scooped it out with a spoon and flattened it some.
Slice the golden beets and places the slices on top of the ricotta.
Drizzle with a little honey.
Add the toasted walnuts and a little fresh thyme and sea salt and it's ready to eat!

Toppings: honey, thyme, smoked sea salt, and whipped ricotta

PS- I made that spoon! Mahogany. My first since being in FL.

* The End.

3 Cheese Frittata With Cauliflower And Mushrooms

September 13, 2016 by Ashley Look in Recipes

It seems like it has been weeks now since my dad has eaten anything other than bananas, ice cream, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. His teeth are so sensitive that no matter what I make, he's not interested and with each passing day I worry about his declining weight and lack of nutrition. I have been searching recipes high and low. Soups, purees, etc... He's just losing interest in eating and I'm losing confidence in my cooking. Insert this frittata and together we both stumble a few steps forward.

Ingredients

1/2 head of cauliflower, chopped
6 eggs
4 crimini mushrooms, medium diced
1/4 cup milk
1 tbsp ricotta cheese
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, divided
1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
3 tbsp chopped chives
2 tbsp dijon mustard
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp oil or butter (or more if needed)
salt & pepper to taste

Directions

Position an oven rack in the center of the overn and preheat to 357 degrees F.
Place the caulifower in a pot covered with water and boil for 4 to 5 minutes until it's soft but holds its form. Then strain and pat dry.
While the caulifower is boiling, stir together the eggs, milk, mustard, and paprika in a large mixing bowl.
Next, stir in all the ricotta and chives.
Add half of the parmesan and mozzarella and mix well to thoroughly combine.
On the stove-top, heat an oven-proof pan on medium-high and add the oil or butter.
Saute the mushrooms until they brown and release their liquid.
Add the cauliflower, to the mushrooms and continue to saute.
Allow the cauliflower to brown, then add the egg mixture, patting down the cauliflower so it's evenly distributed without stiring up the bottom.
Scatter the left-over parmesan and mozzarella cheese over top and place in the oven for 12-15 minutes until the center is set.
Let cool for 2-3 minutes before slicing into wedges.

Finally we have a food breakthrough. Hopefully there are a lot more recipes to come!

Ingredients for a self-care scrub: coconut, rose petals, and Himalayan salt.

Recipe For Self-Care

September 02, 2016 by Ashley Look in Caregiving, Recipes

Long story short, I need therapy. And I need it in any form I can get it. It could be clinical but right now I would welcome any and all forms. Massage, retail, physical, medicinal, smudge stick? They all could work. Since my mom's abrupt passing, my life has been spinning so fast that I can't seem to tell up from down or right from wrong. It's all a jumble of voices telling me all the things I should do. There is no shortage of advice for the grieving but you know what the grieving should do? Freaking grieve! Ugh, hilarious!!! I laugh at my own suggestion because a month consumed in the end-of-life aftermath would prove that only a naive person would think our culture allows room for mourning. No. There is no room for that so I warn you not to get your hopes up. Any space you create for yourself in loss is merely a distraction from our cultural demands of filing paperwork, paying lawyers, fighting probate and navigating the system.

“Job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork.”

I used to think the system was flawed and we were a family falling through the cracks but that's not the case. The system is not flawed. It's fixed and I realize now that I wasn't a pawn being puppeteered by the masters but rather, I was (and remain) a cog, diligently filing the paperwork and stroking the flame of "progress". At a later date I might go into more detail about these things but in effort to stay on topic I'll quickly say this; job creation is code for bureaucratic paperwork. If you are curious to understand what I mean watch this Ted Talk. Our situations are different but exactly the same and at this point I struggle with defeat.

See what I mean? There is a darkness here and I live with it daily. It's not grief. I wish I had room for grief but I am so consumed with a bitter disgust for the way the world works that I feel I need a complete cleanse of the mind, body, and spirit. My thoughts are bitter, I feel like crap, and my spirit... Like I said... Defeat. To crush the souls of the living I am sure steals magic from the world. One by one, I can feel the world becoming a dangerous place as those like me take there position alongside the army of the raged. It's an army of those who feel burned and irrationally waiting to strike, given the opportunity. It's not a good place.

So, what's the fix? I'm going to try swimming. For the month of September I am going to practice with the city's master's swim club which is an adult swim program that holds practices daily with a coach. I am hoping I can swim the rage right out of myself and get back to a more forgiving person I am comfortable being. I am only saying this here for accountability because these days it's hard to hold myself to anything other than pajamas.

I'm also putting faith into all the other magic the world is gonna throw my way. The awesome folks at the Jewelry Studio of Wellfleet sent me an amethyst necklace, symbolic of healing and comfort for the grieving. What they probably didn't realize was amethyst was my mom's birthstone and purple was her favorite color. Right now it's so much more than a necklace. It's a shroud to treat the wounds of a broken heart.

My mom and I, we were just getting started. Her hands were harbingers with talent and creativity that was unmatched, even against Alzheimer's. For the first time in a long while I felt traction for "promise". I was embracing the role of caregiver. Re-branding it even... I started to feel the potential and together, I imagined us making great things. I was just finishing up the foundation when she was stolen from us, a loss that feels like insult to injury. It's been a raw deal these last few years... I'm bitter and things are dark but what would you expect after being repeatedly shown that wounds don't heal, they only grow deeper.

Depression is ok to visit but not a good place to live. Thus begins the journey of moving on. Last night was a new moon which is said to usher in new energy. I'm ready. I look forward to clarity and hopefully the calm it could bring. I am anxious for some stillness and a twinkle of light...

TLDR: Plan your days by the light of the moon as the sun will never wait for you to catch your breath.

UPDATE 9/21/16: I've been cross posting the details of this journey on Instagram @ashleylook1 under #selfcarerepair.

Sandra Look's Celebration Of Life

July 26, 2016 by Ashley Look

Thank you all for your love and support. Celebration of Sandra's life is taking place this Saturday, July 30th, 2016 in Fort Lauderdale with a brief graveside memorial service on Monday Aug 1st. Details are available through the link below.

http://www.barbarafalowski.com/obituaries.html

The How & Why Of Spring Rolls

July 15, 2016 by Ashley Look in Recipes

Why?

Because they are easy, nutritious, and a good "group" activity. Assuming you are looking out for a loved one and have lingering time on your hands, why not head to the kitchen and gussy up some spring rolls?

1. They are easy.

I'm always looking for activities that stand to benefit both my mom and I and this one holds-up. I prepare everything in advance (although depending on the needs of supervision, prep might be something you could delegate) and then the two of us can sit down at the table and roll away. When going through the motions side by side, my mom, whom has Alzheimer's, can easy follow along.

2. They are nutritious.

Unfortunately, my mom often can't always eat them due to dysphagia, or complications related to swallowing but anyone without such concerns can go ahead and binge eat their way to good health. I know that might sound like a tease but you have to remember that we are feeding more than one mouth in this house. My father's vascular dementia is taking a toll on some of his motor skills like hand eye coordination, so using utensils can be challenging for him. At least with the spring rolls he can pick them up with his hands and have at them. It's one of the few ways he can eat "salad". It's also a fun way to eat vegetables. I mean, who doesn't love finger foods?

3. They are a good "group" activity.

It can be hard to make time for senior engagement when chores abound but these spring rolls are like a twofer! Getting the ingredients prepped and sitting down at the table and working on them is a surprising win when it comes to time management. We'll have boatloads of healthy snacks and the activity alone is enough to help me feel like we are sharing quality time together. All too often it's easy to slip into allowing passive entertainment occupy my parents time, which serves no good for any of us. They are unquestionably bored and under-stimulated (which I personally find to be a triggers for Sundowning) and I face issues of guilt and frustration knowing I haven't contributed meaning to their day. So, anything I can do that challenges them in new ways proves fruitful regardless of nutrition.

How?

Yes, I know I should have started with "how" but oh well...

First and foremost, find some rice papers! They are typically found in the international section of your grocery store.

Prep whatever you want to put in the rolls. I typically go for a mix of greens, some herbs, crunchy things like carrots, cucumbers, and peppers, and some kind of protein like crushed nuts, hard boiled eggs, chopped cocktail shrimp or chicken. Use your imagination. You have endless options, just remember that whatever you decide to use needs to fit in the wrappers so cut accordingly.

Next you're ready to start rolling. In a medium sized skillet add some warm tap water and place it by your rolling work station. Working with one rice paper at a time, soak each wrapper in the water until it's completely soft and filmy.
Lay the soft wrapper out on a clean surface and add your filling in the middle.
Fold in the sides first and then the bottom section and roll it right up.
Dip them in your favorite dressing and enjoy! We used a store bought peanut sauce but I think any standard dressing could work too.

I would suggest making all the spring rolls before eating. Stopping to taste really derails productivity. You can also store any leftovers in the fridge for a few days. There's nothing like having a little power snack to get you through the chaos. The caregiver struggle is real so make sure you're all fueled up!

Creamy Chicken & Mushroom Soup Recipe

June 24, 2016 by Ashley Look in Recipes

Yes, it's officially summer and soup might not be your go-to meal but most the seniors I know have poor circulation and are frequently cold. It's also being suggested according to this article that the thermoregulation of body temperature might be a therapeutic treatment for Alzheimer's disease. Say-what?! This takes comfort food to a whole new level, and what's more comforting than a bowl of soup? It's also loaded with nutrients and soft on the teeth which is an every growing concern that I am realizing plagues the senior demographic right up there with high blood pressure and dramas with Medicaid. Some things I cannot fix but I can fix soup. So... Creamy chicken and mushroom for all my favorite seniors this week!

Ingredients

2 tbsp butter
2 large chicken breasts
4 carrots, diced
3 celery stalks, diced
1 white onion, diced
1 1/2cups Cremini mushrooms, sliced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/4 cup flour
4 cups chicken stock
1/2 cup half and half
2 bay leaves
1/8 cup chopped parsley (and a little more for a fresh garnish)
1 sprig rosemary

Directions

Place the chicken breast in a pot and cover with water. Slowly heat on medium till they are cooked through.
While the chicken is cooking prep the carrots, celery, onion, mushrooms and garlic.
In a heavy pot melt the butter. Add the diced carrots, onion, and celery and stir to coat them evenly in the butter.
Sautee for several minutes until the vegetables soften and then add the mushrooms, garlic, and thyme.
Cook for several more minutes until the mushrooms begin to release their juices, then add the flour.
Stir constantly incorporating the flour and loosening any bits starting to stick to the bottom.
Slowly add in the chicken stock and mix well. This will deglaze the bottom of the pan and help add flavor.
Add the bay leaves and allow the soup to heat into a low simmer.
While the soup is heating, carefully remove the chicken breat and place in a large bowl or cutting board. With two forks carfully pull apart the chicken until shredded into small pieces.
Carefully add the shredded chicken and the parsley to the soup pot and continue cooking until the carrots are soft.
Once cooked through, remove from heat and stir in the half and half and add the rosemary sprig.
Return to the heat and warm the soup through but avoid boiling.
Once warm, you can serve it immediatly remembering to remove the bay leaves and avoiding the infusing rosemary sprig (which can be discarded before storing any leftovers).
Enjoy, hopefully with a friend!

Just #Koolbob

June 19, 2016 by Ashley Look in Caregiving

This is a round-up of some favorite shots of my dad from Instagram. It's not as easy for me to make updates over here but with it being Father's Day, I figured it was the perfect time to archive some #koolbob moments.

#koolbob. A veteran of the Korean War and now fights the war on dementia. As this Memorial Day passes I find that our family remains in hope that#veteran Affairs will hurry its decision to award him VA Benefits.
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We submitted an application back in January, and by March finally received notice that they had received it. And now, the last day of May, I find I am still holding my breath! "Hurry!!!! We need you! He needs you!"
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If a picture speaks a thousand words then there are a thousand more in this photo that are lost behind the glamour of social medial. My dad is freshly shaven and styled to perfection which is honestly a rare treat. He is handsome and forever cool and I think the glimmer of what is left of him shines through right here. But he is suffering daily. He is in anguish of the loss of his mind and his independence. It's a painstaking effort to uphold dignity to the caliber that this #soldier deserves but he deserves it! On this #memorialday I continue to hold my breath, cross my fingers, and pray #veteranaffairs REMEMBERS him!

UPDATE: On this Father's Day, June 19, 2016, we continue to wait...

People always commend me for undertaking #caregiving but what they don't realize is for one, they give me too much credit and two, they seem to neglect their own capacity to provide #love.
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#motivation to be a #caregiver wasn't a random calling, hollering at me from a street corner. It was more like a nagging voice reminding me I had the ability to make a difference yet waiting patiently for me to act.
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If you had the capacity to change someone's life for the better, would you do it? Of course you would! Because we are not different you and I. Separated by circumstance maybe, but connected in#humanity and a belief that when the time comes for you to step-up, you will. And you will. It's not a question of if? It's just a matter of when. And when "when" comes, you will be relieved to learn that you didn't make the difference. You are the difference!
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FYI: Friends of #koolbob do not worry. This picture was taken months ago and he has quite recovered;)

Behind every good#caregiver is a pot of #coffee. And in my case, this guy, bringing it to me every single morning while I am laying in bed!

Shave and a haircut, two bits!

That's all for now. I hope all the dads out there are having a great day!

How To Make Yogurt

June 10, 2016 by Ashley Look in Recipes

Have you considered making your own yogurt? It’s surprisingly easy and with a nod towards wholesomeness, I find myself returning to this recipe throughout the year. Yogurt’s ability to be a blank canvas lends itself nicely to exploring seasonal fruit. Don’t waste time with the sugary stuff at the store. Just master this basic yogurt recipe and tailor it to your tastes. Did I mention this is easy? You don’t a yogurt maker. You will however need the following items:

Sauce pot
Cooking thermometer
Mason jar (I use the 1/2 gallon size but you could use a series of smaller ones)
An insulated cooler ( I use the standard Igloo brand lunch cooler)

Ingredients

Half-gallon of organic full fat milk
2 tbsp plain yogurt (organic and full fat)
1 tbsp sugar

Directions

Add the milk to the pot and slowly heat to 185 degrees F stiring frequently to keep from scalding. You do not want the milk to boil!
While it is heating prep your sink basin or a large bowl (large enough to hold your milk pot) with an ice water bath.
When the pot of milk reaches 185 degrees F, immediatly remove it from the heat and place it in the ice bath.
The tempurature will begin to lower. When it reaches 110 degrees F, stir in the 2 tbsp of yogurt and the tbsp of sugar and blend it well.
Next, pour the milk miture into your mason jar(s) and seal tightly.
Place the jar(s) in the cooler and complete submerge with hot tap water. If the jar(s) lifts or begins to float, try placing something on top of it like a small plate to hold it under. Ideally you want the milk mixture to be completely submerged.
Close the cooler and leave for 7 or 8 hours.
After the 7 or 8 hours have passed, remove the jar and chill in the refrigerator for a few hours until cool.
Then, eat it! Some folks might want to drain off the some of the separated whey from the top but it's not necessary. You can stir it into the yogurt for more protein!

Yogurt is loaded with nutrients and healthy kitchen crafts are my favorite! It’s full of protein, vitamins, and minerals but it's also worth mentioning that yogurt is a fermented food. Similar to other fermented gems like kombucha, miso, and kimchi, yogurt fosters the growth of healthy gut bacteria which can help restore damages caused by antibiotics. Ugh… yes please!

What do think? Would you attempt making your own yogurt? I encourage you to give it a try. It’s a foundation for all kinds of deliciousness.

A delicious and dialysis friendly Dutch Baby with strawberries.

Dutch Baby Recipe with Strawberries

May 13, 2016 by Ashley Look in Recipes

Over the last few months I have been cooking and delivering meals for an 84 year old women with chronic kidney failure that attends dialysis treatments three times a week. I don't know much about dialysis but what I do know is the treatment is very exhausting with a diet that is highly restrictive. The first couple of times when making deliveries she would meet me at the door and we would exchange friendly chit-chat. However, over the last few weeks our exchanges have evolved. The door is left unlocked, I let myself in, and then set about making my prepared meals comfortable in her refrigerator. I can tell she is tired. Sometimes I find her sitting in the dark and fear that's only because she is too weak to stand to turn the lights on. One look at her swollen feet and I know my job is more than providing her with dinner. I have a self-appointed side duty of providing small but important creature comforts. Nothing extravagant, as doing so might burden her with conversation she is too tired to have. Instead I address a few minor things to make her evening a little more comfortable. I turn a light on, move the TV remote closer and serve her a meal on the seated portion of her walker so that she can eat at a "table" and have mobility when she is ready. The last thing I want her to do is stand-up. "Rest Lori, just rest... I got this".

Unfortunately, I only provide dinner so what's to be done about breakfast you ask? Well, let me introduce you to the Dutch Baby! Whereas pancakes require constant standing and supervision, the Dutch Baby is more like a "set it and forget it" version. It requires few ingredients and bakes in the oven allowing tired feet to rest while you wait. This recipe is also free from added phosphates which are often found in store bought mixes. High amount of phosphates in the blood can cause assorted calcium related issues in the blood, tissue, and bones which is a serious concerns for someone dealing with renal failure.

Ingredients

2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 cup flour
3 tbsp. butter
1 tsp. powdered sugar
1 cup sliced strawberries
1 tsp. granulated sugar

Directions

Preheat oven to 450
In a small sauce pot, combine strawberries and granular sugar and heat on medium low so that the berries begin to soften in there juices and come to a simmer.
Combine the eggs, milk, salt, and flour in a bowl and mix well
Heat the butter on the stove top in an oven proof skillet, moving it around trying to coat the pan evenly on all sides.
Pour the mixed ingredients into the pan and let cook without stiring for one minute.
Carefully transfer the skillet to the oven and bake without opening the door for 15 minutes (the dutch baby will start to rise)
After 15 minutes, turn the temperature down to 350 and bake for another 10 or so minutes until the top is well puffed and golden brown.
Carefully remove the dutch baby from the oven and dust it with powdered sugar and top with the stewed strawberries.

Something about the crackling sound the Dutch Baby makes when you add the fruit makes me giddy! Throw in the fact that the ingredients are simple, the cooking is low maintenance and it's free from cautionary additives makes this a win, regardless of kidney status. So, go make one and kick up your heels! The Dutch Baby might quickly become your new breakfast standard.